I'm sat in my flat with not much else to do, but slightly antagonised by something i won't go into.
When suddenly appeared a taste in my mouth, a smell in my nostrils and a feeling in my lungs. I felt like i wanted a cigarette.
I've been smoke-free, for the second time, for 8 weeks to the day. I think. Something like that anyway. The first time i quit, in 2006, it lasted over 18 months. Then the occasional social ciggy kept appearing, then the odd one ponced from a work colleague, and then i bought 10 Marlboro Lights and it started all over again. I didn't smoke as much as before, and that's not me in denial, i really didn't. I used to smoke at home, and more when i was out, but what stopped that, more than anything, was the smoking ban. Legal and imposed by my girlfriend.
When i gave up the first time, i felt like i wanted to, when my friends and family were telling me to, round about New Years. But i don't do things when people tell me to, only when i want to. I only went to the gym and went on a diet and lost nearly 5 stone, when i wanted to, so i wasn't going to be bullied into quitting smoking. I waited 5 days, then gave up. Not cold-turkey though. I had nicorette gum. Tasted disgusting, but worked. This time I've used nothing. Just plain old regular Wriggleys Extra and will power.
To my surprised, it wasn't that hard. I did stop at the beginning of a week off work, which helped, but i expected to start craving when i went back to work. Nothing. What also helped was that no-one else smoked at work anymore. A fellow colleague had quit before me, and two regular inhabitants of the pub garden, had left for a different branch. They both still smoke.
The only thing that made me think about smoking, was people on TV. I have always dismissed the influence of TV on peoples behaviour and habits, but there is a certain mesmerizing element to watching your heroes in bands or what have you, lighting up, looking indescribably cool.
That's not to say, i instantly legged it to the garage and bought some, but it did make me think.
Of course it isn't cool. It's stupid. Its expensive. It's killing you. I don't care that i sound like your typical, hypocritical ex-smoker. Good. I am a hypocrite. Cos yeah it did feel good. That first cigarette after work (not so much in the morning, always made me a little light headed), or at lunchtime after a particularly trying morning. Or with the first pint on a Friday night.
Right now, i feel much better for not smoking. I'm glad i quit. I don't really miss it. I think its for the last time. I don't want to be smoking in my thirties, and they are approaching. I'm getting married next year, and hopefully starting a family soon after, so i don't want to be smoking, outside, on my own, when its pissing it down with rain, whilst my wife and kid(s) are inside. More importantly, i don't wanna die before my kids grow up. Those adverts are annoying to smokers, the ones with the parents all saying what they want to do with or for their children, but smoke, so may never do it. They are a little patronising, but the message is right. It really isn't worth it.
I used to think "Am i not cool if i don't smoke?". Then i would think "I'm not cool anyway". There is definitely a self satisfied, smug look on people faces when they are smoking, in a group, all the men trying to hold their cigarettes in a way that doesn't look gay, and the women, gesturing with the hand its held in, posing as if it is a fashion accessory.
On the other hand, there is the only one that does, stood slightly away from their friends, looking sheepish, almost embarrassed.
I'm pretty sure i don't want to be one of them anymore.
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